The rest were stacked in a wooden chest, which she instructed her sister, Lavinia, to burn after she died. Lavinia obviously chose differently, and thankfully so.
***
When I was young, my mom used to say, ‘The way you do one thing is the way you do everything.’
I had no clue what that meant, nor did I care.
Between snake hunting in my coonskin Davy Crockett cap and daydreaming about some toots named Vanessa, I was far too occupied to ever consider my mother having anything useful to say.
It was only fifteen years later, after recently listening to a podcast on Emily Dickinson, that my mom’s advice started to make sense. (I hate how advice always seems to work like that).
Emily Dickinson spent the majority of her life confined to a room. She didn’t know the world would see her work. Yet, what she created in private would not only go on to meet the world’s expectations for exceptional poetry but also redefine them.
Great artists don’t become great once they’re noticed; great artists are great whether or not anyone notices.
That’s what makes them great.
External factors shouldn’t influence effort. This is the lesson my mom was trying to teach me.
This idea sounds absurd only because we've been conditioned from a young age to perform for rewards and, conversely, face punishment for not performing.
So, life for most of us is in fact influenced by external factors.
This isn’t a problem if you are a circus monkey. But you aren’t. Or at least, you didn't start the game as one.
We are all born with free will. While that looks different for everyone, the truth remains the same: you have the power to create.
Yet, instead of creating for ourselves, like Emily Dickinson, we chose to produce for others.
This is what kills authenticity.
If you allocate your time to someone’s vision, rather than pursuing your own, you are consciously deciding that their vision is more valuable than yours.
This is okay in the short term. People have to eat, and helping someone achieve their vision is the fastest way to put food on the table.
However, in the long term, the goal is to live life on your terms.
Why? Because that’s your birthright. Otherwise, there would be no point in having free will.
Creating is the first step towards inheriting your birthright. This is what distinguishes you from the circus monkeys.
You could create anything. The best creations will form out of your curiosities.
There’s a good chance your curiosities have been muddled and confused over the years, especially if you’ve neglected actively pursuing them, so it’s helpful to think back to the activities or subjects in your early childhood that you were most drawn to.
The more you create based on those curiosities, the clearer your identity will become.
We describe people with clear identities as ‘authentic’.
Tolstoy measured progress not by the increase in knowledge, but by the amount one has freed themselves from all that is untrue.
Your true self is your authentic self. If you never know yourself, you’ll never know what life on your own terms looks like. The Greeks were saying the same thing over 2,500 years ago.
This process is not easy. If it were, you’d know it’s not worth your time.
One mistake which is obvious yet difficult to avoid is creating to be noticed instead of creating for the sake of creation.
If you start the game with that goal, you’ve already lost.
This goes back to the concept of performing for external factors instead of yourself.
We’ve trained generations to think that validation and recognition are measures of success instead of the caliber of their questions and truthfulness.
So, a young artist, wanting to be noticed, posts all of their work on social media and opens the floodgates to a swift and unforgivable wave of feedback largely fueled by faceless fish who’ve never ventured to form anything other than an opinion which is rarely their own.
Sometimes, negative feedback will discourage the artist from creating more or at least at the same rate. That’s not good.
More frequently, the audience’s positive feedback on the wrong work leads the artist astray. This is worse. Much worse.
Take the musician who likes writing her own songs yet only is paid for cover band work at some neon-lit dungeon of a diner, home to a nest of toads bursting out of their Tommy Bahama button-downs.
She can barely stand playing the first couple shows. She swears she’ll quit.
She does a few more shows. Thinks, ‘maybe this isn’t so bad.’
More shows. ‘Now that I’m getting to know these toads, I’m starting to like them! And I’m paid well too. All I have to do is play the same ten stupid songs.’
This goes on until one day she looks in the mirror and sees a toad.
Positive reinforcement on the wrong thing is not positive, even if it feels good.
Maybe Emily Dickinson and all creators pre-internet had it better. Sure, they weren’t able to pull from as many inspirations like you can with the internet, but they also weren’t subject to such a quantity of immediate feedback.
Authenticity was easier then.
Being a creator is easier now.
You don’t have to navigate nearly as many societal or practical constraints as the past generations. All you need to do is keep it real.
***
Never ramble about problems without offering solutions.
First and foremost, rediscover those curiosities and start creating for the sake of creation. Write the essay for an audience of one (you!).
Secondly, when the barrage of feedback rains down, remember that everything spewed from faceless fish is utterly worthless.
The worst day in the arena is better than the best day in the peanut gallery. Know yourself, strip away all that is untrue, and protect your authenticity.
Lastly, accept that the world will never reward you for your effort.
And that’s okay.
The goal was never to seek more external rewards. It was to exercise your birthright and live life on your own terms.
No, it won’t be easy.
But it’ll be a whole lot better than waking up one day to find yourself staring at a toad that’s staring right back.
